When I first started blogging, just 9 months ago, I understood that I would be 'exposing' myself (no, not like that!) to the world and although I felt a little nervous, I was ready for it. What started out as a bit of fun, has slowly morphed into a place to vent frustrations, revel in proud moments, discuss parenting issues and invite you, as reader, to share in all of that - I love it!
This is what blogging is all about isn't it?
Well yes, in a way it is - what's the point of having a personal space to write, if the content is bland, so private it actually says....well, nothing! I chose to be honest about my views, in the ups and downs that we experience as a family of 5 and I was proud of that. My readers seemed to like it too, always keen to put in an encouraging word or share their own views on an issue. I didn't however, consider the consequence of sharing the personal lives of my children, and the affect that this may have on them and our relationship, in the future.
This week, various things have made me wonder, forced me to question whether this is fair on my children. It might make me feel better in a therapeutic kind of way, encourage more readers and promote a good, healthy discussion about ways to parent, but is it right....for them? I asked a few bloggers their views on the subject and it would seem that many of them had already visited this little conundrum, reaching their own conclusions. Michelle, who writes the very popular Mummy from the Heart, wrote a post in 2011, on the same subject - you can read it here.
My children are now all between the ages of 8 and 12 (almost 13!) and this is a very vulnerable age. It's also a time when they are beginning to delve into the world of the internet, facebook (not quite yet but soon) and it won't be long before they stumble across the content of this blog. Up until now, I have chosen not to share it with them, not in any detail anyway. They are aware that occasionally we are asked to review products or days out (the fun part) and that I write a blog as a hobby. They don't know any more than that. One of my daughters has lately started to quiz me on the content and this was the 'icing on the cake', so to speak, as I started to squirm and wasn't entirely sure how to answer her. The next logical question would be - "can I read it?" What would I say?
I have always been honest in my approach. My aim is to help other parents realise that they're not alone in parenting struggles and hopefully assist them along the way. I believe that this can still be done, without exposing my children and perhaps risking my relationship with them, later in life. I would hate for them to come across this blog and see the content as embarrassing or worse still, a betrayal of privacy. So from now on, I won't 'name names' and have decided to be slightly more candid in my approach, considering how they might view it before choosing to hit 'publish'.
What do you think? Do you agree and have a strategy for dealing with this yourself? Perhaps you have younger children right now and don't see this as being a problem - will it be something you address as they grow up? I would love to hear your views....
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It's a very interesting question! I had a similar dilemma when deciding whether to use my children's real names or give them nicknames. Obviously Meg and Eli are a lot younger and this isn't a bridge we've had to cross in terms of them being aware of my blog but I think you are right, there reaches a point where it's not fair on them for ALL the details to be 'out there' particularly if people you know in RL are reading the blog.
ReplyDeleteI blogged recently about quite a personal issue and my OH wasn't happy, tweens and teens can be much more sensitive about things as well so I agree it's right to just stop and consider the affect certain posts will have on them before publishing.
Sorry I haven't really answered your question! It seems a bit of a minefield to be honest. Do you or don't you?!?
I don't disclose their names but it's I love photos, especially happy, smiley ones and use my blog as a place to keep a record of family life too. It would be a shame to stop that. If I'm willing to post on FB why should the blog be any different? I have also discussed with my OH and although he thinks it is fine, we have agreed that perhaps looking at it from their view is the way forward...Thanks for commenting :)
DeleteI think you are totally right about the "teenage" years. I think if you don't let them read it and one of their friends does, it is unfair. You can't stop people reading it (otherwise what is the point) but maybe when they are teenagers, more discretion is needed. I am really interested to hear what everyone else has to say.
ReplyDeleteThere's certainly been a lot of views and very interesting ones. I am beginning to realise that I should have thought a little more about it before starting!
DeleteOooh I've thought about this a lot...I'm not sure ill do it when z is a lot older but I don't use his real name, locations or write about anyone else in our real life, although if I did I'm sure I would written a whole novel about certain Inlaws. I also don't use his face too much and there are other things I don't write about....I do love my blog though. I think you can write a lot about aspects of your life without giving away everything and I've seen a lot of people do that. It does give away their privacy but at the moment, as z is 2, I justify to myself that it's ok....at the moment. It's a tough one and I do slip on my own "rules"...then reign myself back in.
ReplyDeleteI don't write about other people either, it is just sharing our 'journey' as a family. Wise to think about it early on and reign yourself in when the rules are bent!
DeleteI always blog openly and honestly and very personally. But I have every intention of sharing my blog with my children in the future as a record of their childhood. I would never write anything that may embarrass them and I use nicknames to protect their identities. As they reach teen years, I think I'd be more selective about photos of them... That's if people still read my blog in ten years time! I think if I ever stopped blogging, I'd get my blog made into books for them.
ReplyDeleteThe book sounds like a lovely idea Emma. I use it as a record of memories too and I love that about it. Photos are something to consider for me but I so love them!
DeleteI always blog openly and honestly and very personally. But I have every intention of sharing my blog with my children in the future as a record of their childhood. I would never write anything that may embarrass them and I use nicknames to protect their identities. As they reach teen years, I think I'd be more selective about photos of them... That's if people still read my blog in ten years time! I think if I ever stopped blogging, I'd get my blog made into books for them.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I took the decision from the start not to use recognisable photos of my children. That way, if any of their friends come across the blog they will not know it's about my kids. My kids know I blog and they know the name of my blog. Sometimes they ask questions. I would like them to read it when they are much older, so they can see the full picture - sometimes I'm bursting with pride at them and sometimes I'm pretty cross with them. Right now, they would see only the bad and forget the good. I want them to appreciate that I still love them even when I'm cross with them and they are way too young to do that now. I wrote about this last summer:
ReplyDeletehttp://mumofthreeworld.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/feeding-monster-2.html
When you said that, about using unrecognisable photos of your children, it had honestly never occurred to me! I do share pics on facebook so I'm not sure why this is any different. I agree that they would only see the odd negative post and not see the hundreds of good ones - that's kids for you! Thanks for linking your post :)
DeleteI occassionally have a panic moment about their privacy and having read a few stories where photos have been pinched, we now watermark with a watermark right across the middle of photos which doesn't look very pretty but will hopefully put people off using photos without permission. I'm undecided about names - on the basis that it would be really tricky to go back and change names to nicknames we have stuck with names and every time i reduce it to an initial instead of their name, it doesn't feel like i am telling the whole story as their names are important to who they are. at the moment the kids are quite involved in the blog and they like to read it. I am particularly conscious about the difficult posts i write about J because i don't want him to feel that i'm being negative about him and his difficulties but i don't try to hide it from him either - i try to use it as a learning opportunity to explain to him the consequences of his actions and i try to balance it with lots of postive posts about all of the kids too. it is a really tricky one isn't it. x
ReplyDeleteI too will no start putting our blog name at the bottom of photgraphs, I think that is important. I think what you write is perfectly ok if you're open with your son, as you so obviously are. You're writing it for the right reasons. The point where I started to feel 'funny' about it was when my daughter asked what I wrote and I was reluctant to show her - clearly some of the content shouldn't really have been there.
DeleteI'm in a different situation really - my 'babies' are 21 ans 16 so have been aware of it all since i started. I do think carefully about how I phrase things so I don't offend them and always ask if I can use a picture of mention something we've done. There things from when they were very little (embarrassing potty training stories etc) that I haven't shared because they've asked not to. They both have Fb and twitter accounts, in fact given that Splosh lives 500 miles away it's our regular form of communication! Bernard has admin control over the blog FB page and she is planning posts of her own for the blog, as it was always intended to be a group thing. The use of nick names was never to hide their identities but simply because thats what they're always referred to and it felt right. I think everyone has to do what is right for their own situation, and as with all parenting problems - trust your instinct- it5 won't let you down!
ReplyDeleteMy kids aren't on FB yet but I am sure it won't be long. Thanks for the encouragement to trust my own instinct - you're right, of course!
DeleteThis is something I've considered too. My original blog was more personal and had real names, but now my babies are getting a little older I've given them nicknames, which we actually call them in RL. I also have grown-up children and write about them occasionally. I always think carefully about what I put about all of them while at the same time being as honest and open as I can be. With the older ones I would ask permission before using their photo's. I really must start putting watermarks on my photo's too. Whenever this question comes to mind I always think about how I would feel if my own mum had blogged about me?
ReplyDeleteI don't think it matters so much with the little ones and yes, I began to think about how I would feel - having said that, times have changed and it's just like an on-line diary really but we're letting the whole world see so it is important to think before we write. Thanks for commenting :)
DeleteI've always blogged anon and my kids all have nicknames on my blog. Whilst I am open and honest in what I do blog, I don't want to ever put the kids in the position where they could be teased (eg a pigeon came on your mum, that is GROSS, she is weird etc etc BTW a true strory!) and that was my driving force behind being anon. I'll always be open with my kids but I personally wouldn't put anything too personal on my blog that would be up for discussion int he playground - I had issues with bulimia in my 20s and whilst I would talk to the kids about that if need be, I wouldn't publish for everyone to read and gossip about.
ReplyDeleteI suspect I'll eventually take the blog off line so I still have the memories but not the footprint!
Very wise decisions and I like your reasons behind them - kids get teased enough, let's not create one more reason!
DeleteWhen I first started blogging 4 years ago, I never considered using nick names or hiding my kids faces.My blog was for family and friends who I didn't see often.I was naive in the fact that the whole world could read it and know who I am.My blog became less personal after the break up of my marriage and I changed my kids names to nick names.My kids know I blog and they are very involved with it, reviews, vlogs and even attended their first G+ hangout last week.My oldest is 11 this year and I know he'll probably start to be on my blog less, although he doesn't show any signs yet.I always ask if there are certain things I can add and there are few things I haven't talked about on my blog or even in any group.
ReplyDeleteI never realised the importance of keeping my own anonymity, perhaps I was naive like you! But if we don't want people to read our blog, there is no point in writing it so like you have, perhaps just being more open about it with them, is the way to go. Less dishonest. Thanks for sharing your view :)
DeleteThis is a very important question. I've always hidden Little A's name, but have included some photos. As she gets older I think I will apply a few more boundaries to my writing - no more photos of her, and agreeing with Super Amazing Mum, keeping it light, and not too personal. But I know there will be a day when I'll have to stop.
ReplyDeleteI think the content can me made less personal whilst still remaining honest and that's what I will attempt to do. I am reluctant to stop the photos as I just adore pics and I post them on fb all the time so I'm not sure what the difference is.
DeleteI started with names, then changed to big, middle and baby. Will carry on as I am for the moment but might start a whole new blog up if I'm still blogging in a few years. Will also not tell family and friends about it - that way I can be more honest in what I'm writing.
ReplyDeleteI think it's difficult for our children when family and friends are aware of our blog and we do need to be mindful of that - it's lovely for them to 'keep up to date' but I guess it depends on your aim of the blog. I don't share names and won't do that but I'm proud of the pics!
DeleteAn interesting question and one I honestly haven't put much if any thought to. My blogging has always been open and honest, maybe too honest, but for now it feels right.
ReplyDeleteI might re-evaluate how I blog as the boys grow older, but it seems a little late in the day for me to try and be discrete!
I agree and have felt the same until now...but my blog is plastered with photos of my children and I see this as a keepsake of great memories so will not stop doing that. I will however, consider the written content and how they might view it. Discretion is also too late for me!
DeleteVery good questioning post.
ReplyDeleteI blog honestly and authentically but must say I would never write about something which was highly personal to my children. Sometimes issues which haven't even yet been resolved en familie. Instead I try and take sensitive subjects into a wider context and do not link their names with the issue - even if they know it is about them. My children read my blog happily and there was only one instance in three years where my son asked for an assurance I wouldn't blog about a certain subject. And when in doubt, I ask them.
Not having blogged when they were babies or young children, I don't have quite that dilemma of what they will think when they are older.
My best, HMSx
This is very wise advice - to keep children anonymous when telling a story (rather than singling them out) and ask them if in any doubt. Thank you :)
DeleteI blog openly and show LOTs of photos and name names, I don't think I will ever try to stop that,I really can't see the point in having pictures yet no names, and I really could never imagin not sharing photos... I see the things I share as the moments I want to share, the sort of things that may make the kids squirm one day, but nothing worse than standing infront of the hairdresser and gushing how proud you were when little johnny did something last week or bringing out the old photos when a new boyfriend comes over for tea ;) i think it is a sad place when we can't share photos and the privacy issues of stole photos or whatever has never bothered me too much, I do however withhold the very private and personal details, this may make my blog seemingly boring or abit too picture perfect but at least that way the kids can look over it happily without having to feel like i have betrayed their privacy or be upset about something and question my personal feelings, My eldest isn't kean on me blogging about him and often says he doesn't wish to be included in photos if i am going to add them to my blog, and I respect that, he also doesn't ask me to read the blog and I don't think he ever mentions it to his friends, if I am to blog about him I do mention it to him, my daughter is the opposite and she reads my blog all the time, loves to be included in it, likes to have her photos on it, asks me to involve her and talks about it and shares it with her friends... my youngest is still abit young to really have a view. I guess everyone has a different view and like everything blog related they are are personal spaces and we can all do as we wish with our own spaces, everyone has their own boundaries and limits, as long as your happy with the way you currently do things, then keep on doing it.
ReplyDeleteI have never worried too much about photos on fb or on here - they are on the internet and if someone wants to get hold of something that is even on FB with private settings, they will. Neither my kids or their friends are aware of the content of my blog, I have kept it fairly private from the parents of their friends but I guess they will come across it in time. I don't think they mind the photos, it would be the stories that would worry me...it may be a work in progress before I'm happy with it!
DeleteMy superlong comment just got eaten by blogger :( Basically I'm okay with what I have written about my daughters, but it is my posts about aspergers and my and his struggles that I worry about as he heads towards secondary school, he does know about them though...
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ReplyDeleteIt's one of the reasons I stopped blogging, although I never revealed my children's names I felt I'd shared too much. So my old Babyrambles blog is now private and deleted from its original url. My eldest can read and browse the internet, my middle child can almost read. I don't want them (and their friends) to be able to read the posts in the public domain in the future, although I've kept them privately if they want to read.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI do blog about the kids and our family but I rarely refer to them by name. Mind you I don't blog anon so I'm sure it wouldn't take too much hard work to find them out if someone wanted to. However I rarely, if ever, mention the 13 yo on the blog because she is my step daughter and I'm very conscious that I don't want to offend her mother & family issues. So I assume that she is reading everything I post (both the 13yo and her mother) and it's a good "sensibility" raincheck before I blog. all the photographs that I post of the kids (there aren't loads) are run past hubby before I do as well. It's like a second line of defence.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting post and an interesting discussion. It is only something that I have really started to consider, although I have friends who are always careful to anonymise their posts. My son is just starting to show an awareness (interest?) in my blogging, so that is definitely something I'll have to work out. He also has a serious medical condition and this is something I touch on in my posts from time to time - partly because I want to be honest and to share my experiences with others (following J's diagnosis, I found it very helpful when others shared their experiences with me). On the other hand, I want to be able to mediate discussions with him around this and need to be mindful of how he may feel about being public about this. On the whole though, I take the view that openness and honesty are the best way forward.
ReplyDeleteGreat post which has certainly caused some good debate. I sometimes do feel uneasy about writing on the internet, although I don't use names (although my about me page reveals all I have realised!). I did think this recently when I had a rather aggressive comment from someone on my post about what I let my little boy watch on the internet and all the pitfalls of this sort of exposure. Although I know there are some nutters out there who love to just be nasty for the sake of it, I did feel a bit concerned as it was my parenting he/she was commenting on and therefore my family. However, mostly I get lovely positive comments for other lovely mums and that far outweighs any negatives of blogging. I think when he is older I might reign it in though.
ReplyDeleteGreat post; it has really sparked my own niggles of doubt on this issue again, I had already been wondering a lot about it recently after doing a google search of my name and loads of my photographs coming up. I've decided I really need to start watermarking, but not necessarily sharing less. I think my blog works because we're not faceless and nameless and I enjoy seeing other people's families as much as I enjoy sharing me own. Caz x
ReplyDeleteHi - I decided right from the off that I wasn't going to have any pictures of my children 9, 7 and nearly 3 on my blog.I wouldn't have open facebook album pics and view it as the same. Whilst the vast majority of people reading blogs etc do so for the right reasons there has to be an element of people who are looking to view childrens pictures specifically. It may be nominal but its not something I want to worry about. I don't mention them by name and I only use my first name and nothing else on my blog so that people can't work out who my children are or where we live. In fact, they only feature occasionally in the general subject matter. Normally I'm ranting about stuff in general all talking about my diet so I don't really need to talk about them as such. Children today have had their whole life documented from birth onwards (where as we didn't) be it video, camera, mobile and without their permission. It will be interesting to see how they view this in later life. In fact, I should probably ask them if they mind being on facebook! The whole pictures, info on children doesn't sit comfortably with me x
ReplyDeleteI had a very bad experience with my old blog and a very bizarre woman (I think...I hope, although she may have been a big hairy man!) I blogged 4 years ago and this person latched onto me through the various baby loss forums that I was a member of, she then started stalking me all over the internet. She would pop up anywhere that I was. To cut a very long story short, she managed to con my mobile number out of a friend and would text me in the small hours of the morning.
ReplyDeleteEventually I took action, closed my blog, left most of the forums, closed my Facebook account and when I reopened it, I made sure she was blocked. So when I started this blog I was determined to do so as anonymously as I could.
I only use my first name, never use my husbands name and luckily for me she only knows of the existence of our eldest daughter and not the baby. The last time she saw a picture of our eldest would have been when she was a baby, so she wouldn't know it was her. The other details of my life, she didn't know, she didn't know the full story of our baby loss etc, so I can blog about those things without it bothering me too much.
So mainly my blog skirts around things, if you know what I mean, even when I blog directly about the girls, it tends to be without too much detail and I think as they get older I'll cut back on their pictures or take them from angles that make them less recognisable. My need for privacy arose out of being unnerved by someone, but I think it will help with observing the girls privacy in the future too. x
Some good points raised and I think this is an ongoing debate! I thought a lot about it before starting Mothering Mushroom, as I already blog elsewhere, where I do sometimes share personal thoughts. The reason I use 'Mushroom,' is to protect his privacy. He's not two yet (I started my blog when he was one) so he's not even aware of it but for now I try to keep him anonymous. Photos are vague (I use a lot of shadow photos, back views and headless shots!). Of course, if someone knows me well enough to know I have a son then they will figure it out! But I don't share anything I wouldn't share with friends anyway. As soon as he's old enough to have an opinion on these things I will ask him what he thinks and show him the blog. If he doesn't like it, I'll delete it. At the end of the day, I started it to record his milestones as well as my journey as a parent and I can always keep a copy of the content elsewhere... I also don't blog anything that I think would upset him, my husband (who I rarely mention in either of my blogs because he's requested it be that way) or our extended families - this means I leave a lot of stuff out! But keep my family happy, and that's what's important.
ReplyDeleteI guess this is a rather longwinded way of saying maybe I am compromising him a little, but I am mindful and in the end it will be up to Mushroom whether my blog continues into his teens!
I use the girls middle names and try to use photos that are group shots of the family or where their face/head is obscured by a hat, sunglasses or other accessory, my 6 year old likes to look at what I have written and has asked me about the use of the middle names when I've explained she is fine with it so I think I'll just keep the dialogue open with them and if they are not happy with anything I'll have to write about cooking or craft or other such stuff.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a good plan. I will revel all at some point but for now I am just 'toning down' the content - I didn't feel comfortable with some of it....
DeleteSuzanne its a great post, I am have come to the conclusion that photos are not safe on any media platform so i dont stress about it. Beth is aware of my blog and has read a few pieces and she obviously she takes place in the Prose 4 Thought one on a Thursday. I have explained to her that i am blogging about all of us and she has been fine .. so far!
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