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Monday mornings are always
hectic in this house, what with Judo club at 7.45am and 2 school drop offs to complete. Today
didn't go well.
Yesterday evening, my daughter had been to a bowling and laser quest event with her youth club. I had
given her £10, on the understanding that the evening would cost £6 and the
change would be mine. On requesting the change this morning, it would
appear that only 20 pence was left in the purse....
I knew that this wasn't a conversation for 8.10am on a Monday morning, but I continued regardless. When I began to question her actions and a very garbled set of excuses came out, I completely lost it.
Not only did I lose my temper but I completely lost any shred of respect that she may have had for me. I behaved like a child when I should have been the
grown up. Sometimes it's hard to be the grown up when everything within
us wants to kick, scream and shout: "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" And on
this occasion, I didn't manage it. I returned home after a very silent journey
to school and a mumbled "goodbye", with a pit in my stomach and an
overwhelming feeling of disappointment. Disappointment in myself for
losing it, for not setting a good example, for not managing to control myself.
I spoke to a friend about
it and she put an arm around my shoulder. A gesture which said "I
know, I understand, we've all been there..." And this is why I'm
sharing my rather pathetic attempt at parenting today: we all muck up, we all
feel inadequate at times, we've all 'been there'. My friend also
encouraged me to focus on the 'making up' and that this is where a parent can
shine.
So when I got home, I sat
down with a piece of paper and a pen and I wrote a letter to my daughter.
I needed to clear the air but not being able to talk to her, this silent effort
seemed the closest I could get. Will I give it to her? I don't
think so. Tonight I will talk to her, when things have calmed down.
I will say that I am sorry for losing my temper and ask if she has any ideas
for how we can prevent this from happening another time. I hope that we
will hug and it will all be ok. Children can be forgiving little souls, if only
we allow them to be.
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I'm not surprised you lost it a little, lying isn't acceptable, and she pushed your buttons. As you say, we all have moments when we muck up parenting; I actually stamped my foot the other day trying to get my point across, how grown up am I?!
ReplyDeleteI'd keep the letter, if not to give it to her today, one day she might benefit from reading how how felt after you both argued.
Ha ha love it that you stamped your foot!
Deletewelcome to the club hun, you may be an adult but you are only human. for all she knew you may have needed that £4 towards petrol, school lunches or something similar that will cause you worry cos you have no more money?
ReplyDeleteI remember one day when eldest was 9 and it was her turn to hoover her bedroom and she stropped and she better stropped and she stamped and thumped and yelled, cos the hoover was too heavy to carry up the stairs ( it wasnt it was a cylinder) until like you I lost the, her and the hoover got to the top of the stairs at the same time without either of them touching them, I did not hit her or yell at her but she knew she had gone to far. it really is a case of they do not know how to stop once they have starter. her room was hoovered, probably the best hoover it had in a long long time.
Great post and a really hard situation to be in. I can imagine myself in that exact scenario with my eldest. Good for you for planning to talk to her calmly later. I'm always rubbish at that bit, however calm I try to be, I end up going over the old ground and 'explaining myself' in a way which inevitably makes me angry. I hope it goes well for you.
ReplyDeleteAh I remember this happening over and over when I was a teenager! But my mother and I now have a wonderful relationship and it's the moments this - when you test each others' boundaries and realise that your moods are fragile but your love's not - that make you all the closer in the end.
ReplyDeleteThat's lovely, thank you so much for sharing :)
DeleteOh dear - poor you - at loggerheads with H again. You could just say you don't care what she did with the money but she must pay it back from her own pocket money or savings immediately. Even if she just lost it somewhere it will teach her to be more responsible in future. She knows that you know she was lying this morning anyway.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what I said! She didn't like the idea, thinking it was unfair as she had generously lent it to a friend! I told her that she was welcome to be generous with her own money - not popular!
DeleteMy daughter does the same when lying, she starts stropping and shouting at me then come the tears and yelling how I am the worst mother in the world. It is like red rag to a bull...I find it very difficult to keep calm when she is so blatantly lying. But you're right, I always feel awful afterwards and end up apologising for my behaviour. How ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteHope tomorrow is a better day for you x
How ridiculous indeed! Things have definitely improved. I think that I had probably get used to this :)
DeleteOoh I get so cross with myself when I get dragged down to their level, but it happens to us all!
ReplyDeleteWhen you realise that you've been the petulant child, you feel about this <> big, don't you?!
DeleteOh my goodness I'm glad it's not just me who loses it- I can take anything except lies! Don't be too hard on yourself- you'll get it sorted out. Xx
ReplyDeleteThank you Emma :) Tonight we did have a hug and I said I was sorry for losing my temper - by some miracle she reciprocated that apology! x
DeleteAhh fab to read the update! Glad you made up, we most certainly all do lose it sometimes! Mich x
DeleteThis is the same scenario i face probably twice a week and i too have 'lost it' i cope well will everything else however its the lying that gets me the most! chin up my lovely :-) your human!
ReplyDeleteTHanks for the solidarity Jaime! I know our girls are a similar age and this Tween thing is tough isn't it?!
DeleteHow difficult. I can understand how you would have felt low afterwards. I always think the special thing about families is that arguments can be forgotten so quickly with a kiss and a hug. The next day, it's like it never happened. I hope tomorrow is like that for you too. x
ReplyDeleteI hope things turned out okay in the end. We are parents not perfections - and we all lose it some time or another but the important thing is in the reparation of what happened - that is also a very good role model - that arguments and shouting and losing it can sometimes happen but that we talk about it afterwards and resolve what happened - a big life lesson in relationships. Don't be too hard on yourself! X.
ReplyDeleteP.s. Flikr messed up my One Week badge - so I had to re-do the whole code (new code can be found on my one week page).
Thanks for your comment - very wise advice and insight. Thanks for informing me about your one week badge too :)
DeleteI sincerely think these situations are felt more keenly by us than them... Also I always tell myself (I'm pretty sure I read it somewhere...!) that it's good for them to see us express our emotions, makes it all right for them to loose it sometimes too !
ReplyDeleteI always feel so awful when I loose it with my boys, however I've come to the conclusion that it is important that our children know we make mistakes too. If you can apologise and admit to getting things wrong then you teach your children not to be afraid of making mistakes and that people can move on when a mistake has been made. Great post and I hope all is well now.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you. Sometimes kids put their parents on a pedestal and feel so let down when they realised that they are not perfect. An important lesson to learn - mine learnt it pretty early on!
DeleteWe all lose it. I've lost it often with Amy when she's been in one of her teenage moods. Remembering that we're the adult is often bloody hard when these little people try out patience so much!!
ReplyDeleteCJ x
Thanks for the solidarity CJ!
Deletewhat a beautiful and honest post. It made me cry a bit (don't worry, everything makes me cry since having Goblin). I hope you will tell her that you wrote the note even if you don't give it to her. Then she will know that you were thinking of her. I hate that feeling of having had a crappy parent moment and not being able to rewind and fix it. Had one of those myself today resulting in Goblin lying prostrate on the floor of Asda, which i could have totally avoided by not pushing a minor issue. Sigh!
ReplyDeleteI'm featuring your post on the Sunday Parenting Party this week, you can grab an "I was featured" button from my blog button page if you'd like one.