Learning the art of: 'not taking the bait'....

As I mentioned in a previous post, OH and I have recently enrolled on a parenting course.  This is the first course we have been on together (as you already know, parenting courses are a particular hobby of mine, mostly due to my constant feelings of inadequacy!).  It took quite a lot to drag encourage him along to this one but my gentle persuasion must have done the trick. For the next 8 Tuesdays, we will be learning how to become better parents and hopefully putting what we learn into practice.  That is asumming that the mention of role plays last week has not scuppered all chances of getting OH along to week 2!

When we explained to our 3 children that there would be a babysitter every Tuesday for a while and that we were doing a parenting course, the response was: "well mummy, hopefully it will make you kinder and not so stressy".  And in a nutshell, that is exactly why I am doing it. I do hope that my children will notice the difference, I have no doubt that I will hear about it if they don't!

So, last week's session was all about misbehaviour and not taking the bait.  We were asked to tick the boxes that we felt related to the issues in our home.  Having 3 children of different sexes and ages, I have to say that it was more a case of what didn't get ticked, than what did.....answering back, constant fighting and squabbling, throwing tantrums, uncooperative, telling lies, neglecting pet, won't wash without being reminded....and on and on and on.

Obviously tackling all of these in one week would be an impossible task, so we decided to focus on 2 particular issues: constant squabbling and answering back.

We were encouraged to practice the art of 'not taking the bait'. Apparently, misbehaviour is usually fuelled by an in-built desire for our attention.  It was suggested that we try 2 methods:

1. Respond by doing the exact opposite of what we normally do - our current one is clearly not effective.
2. Plan to give at least one child unexpected positive attention every day.

Having decided not to get involved in their petty squabbles, just a few days later I was presented with a perfect opportunity to practice what I had learnt. The TV is a real source of argument in our house.   On this occasion, DD1 and DS1 could not come to an agreement  - DS1 wanting to watch Scooby Doo and DD1 wanting to watch american trash, as I call it.  Voices were raised, tales were told and eventually when it got physical, the TV was switched off for the rest of the day.  I didn't try to cajole or come up with a solution for them but instead removed the offending article. Hopefully next time they will remember this.

We have had various opportunities to 'not take the bait' over answering back, with 2 tweens in the house this is a regular occurence!  I am pleased to say that last night I managed to keep my cool even after 30 minutes of screaming "I hate you" and stamping of feet (that was the child not me!) and I received an unprompted apology - probably a first in our house.

We have also been mindful of giving positive attention. This part  is not rocket science and it only really requires 10-15 minutes of our time, but in our busy lives this often gets overlooked.  Putting new habits into place is never easy and I have blown it a few times this week but have also made progress. Tomorrow's session is about encouraging responsibility in our children.....more on that next time!

What is the main misbehaviour issue in your home?

A Busy Week - #R2BC

It's been a busy week in our house. It's also been an extremely wet and miserable week in Berkshire and probably countrywide.  When it's grey and cold outside, it seems too easy to get stuck in a rut of complaining.  There is ALWAYS something to moan about, right?

Well yes there is, but continuing with my theme of finding reasons to be cheerful (thanks to michelle@mummyfromtheheart for championing the cause),  I shall skip right past the grumbling and show you a few moments in my hectic week, that have made me smile.

Last Sunday DD1 and I made cakes, we made a LOT of cakes!  They were all in aid of a Cappucinos and Cakes fundraiser that I hosted on Monday morning. We raised a total of £66 for a charity that I support -  Hope for Justice.  Not only that but DD1 and I had a great time chatting and talking through life, the universe and everything, whilst baking! 

On the same day, DS1 won a trophy at his first ever Judo Competition.  A proud mummy moment so I feel the need to share :)  Such a quiet and calm little boy, always surprises us when he gets on the Judo mat!  I am so pleased he has found a hobby that he enjoys.

This week I was able to attend a fab conference called Colour, held at Wembley Arena and hosted by Hillsong church.  I heard some truly inspirational speakers and now have so much to digest.  I also embraced the time shared with some special girls in my life....Amen Sisters! (This will mean something to them!) I must also mention my long-suffering husband, without whom I could not have spent those precious 2 days away from home.

Finally, a big shout out to DS2 who attended a very wet Brownie Camp this weekend. Leading up to Friday, we had endured a week of tears and anxiety over leaving home for 2 days and the anticipation of not sleeping in her own bed.  She has returned home pretty exhausted but having had a fab time.  Team building games, archery, Saturday night talent show and just the one minor casualty - a grated finger whilst preparing the veg for today's roast dinner!  Another hurdle and I'm so proud of her :)

What an eventful week!  As I type, the sun is finally peeping through the clouds - another R2BC.  Have a great week all and in amongst the rubbish, try to focus on the good :)

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Silent Sunday

Where's the Instruction Manual?

Even though my children are now well beyond the baby years, at times I still feel woefully inadequate as a parent.  Look at it like this - we would never be offered a job without first sending in a CV or going for an interview, sometimes 2-3 interviews.  And then of course there's the references.....

Do you see what I mean? Should we even be allowed to have children before being vetted for suitability?

Last night, the other half and I attended week 1 of a parenting course being run by our church.  Just to prove to you how inadequate I have felt my entire life, this is the third parenting course I have attended and probably won't be the last!  As my children grow and new 'challenges' emerge, I have found myself wishing they had come with an instruction manual.  Each with their unique, concise and preferably bullet-pointed list (for us Monica's!) of how to best nurture and care for them.

Unfortunately this was not the case.  We muddle along and it is usually through trial and error (and many mistakes!) we learn what works best for each child.

At the end of last night's session, the leader read out what I can only describe as 'a letter from my child'.  One of my children in particular, has been challenging of late. I have constantly found myself frustrated and wondering why I cannot understand this person who I brought into the world. When I listened to this letter being read aloud, I felt as though I might have found part of the elusive Instruction Manual.

Here it is: 

• Don’t spoil me. I know quite well I ought not to have all I ask for. I’m only testing you.

• Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it. It makes me feel more secure.

• Don’t let me form bad habits. I need you to detect them at an early stage.

• Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. I’ll take more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.

• Don’t make me feel my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values.

• Don’t protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.

• Don’t be too upset when I say ‘I hate you’ I say it when I hate myself.

• Don’t take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get the attention I need.

• Don’t nag. If you do, I’ll have to protect myself by appearing deaf.

• Don’t forget that I can’t explain myself as I’d like to. That’s why I am not always very accurate.

• Don’t make rash promises. I feel let down when promises are broken.

• Don’t tax my honesty too much. I’m easily frightened by telling lies.

• Don’t tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real-and you can help me if you try to understand.

• Don’t put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you’ll find that I stop asking and seek information elsewhere.

• Don’t ever think it’s beneath your dignity to apologise to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you.

• Don’t ever suggest that you’re perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover you’re neither.

• Don’t forget I love experimenting. I couldn’t get on without it. Please put up with it.

• Don’t forget I can’t thrive without lots of understanding love.

It was number 7 that brought a tear to my eye.  I defy anyone to read this and not be moved.....

Small Things #R2BC

Many times over the past few weeks I have found the same theme cropping up - being thankful.  Blog posts, conversations, excerpts from books, all pointing me towards the same thing.

Every Thursday morning I get together with a lovely group of girls from my church.  We call it 'Book Group' but the content of our morning can range from sharing our thoughts on the book we are studying, laughing hysterically about an event from our week or being moved to tears by the very real stuff that goes on in our lives.The week before Easter, one of my lovely book group girls shared how she had turned her life around recently by choosing to be thankful.  "It's simple" she said "instead of dwelling on the negative and moaning, you start to pray thankful prayers and this changes your whole thought pattern". She explained that it can just be about the everyday stuff that we regularly take for granted or it can be the big stuff that needs a really huge SHOUT OUT!  Life can be hard at times and it's so easy to get bogged down dwelling on all that is bad or not going the way we planned.  If we look hard enough, there is always something good, no matter how insignificant it might seem.

Shortly after that morning I read a blog post by another girl from our church called Heather, you can read it here.  She talked about a book she had read that encouraged the reader to write a list of 1000 things to be thankful for. It inspired me and many others to do the same, so much so that I started a list on my phone and am currently at number 26....a long way to go I know!

So, where am I going with this?  One of the parent bloggers I recently came in to contact with michelle@mummyfromtheheart has started something called a blog hop (yes it's all new to me too!).  This is basically a theme where any blogger can join in but you need to tag your post with #R2BC (Reasons to be Cheerful) and the little link that goes with it. The purpose of linking up is to simply encourage others.

I am aiming to write a blog post at the end of every week, just with pictures and possibly a short description of the things I am thankful for in my week.  Maybe it will inspire you to do the same?

Here are just a few of them:

On Monday (the only sunny day of this week) I went on a retreat day. A chance to be silent, enjoy the surroundings and connect with God. The garden and in particular this tree, were beautiful.













On Sunday, we enjoyed a fab walk at Virginia Water with my sister and her children, the cousins climbed trees and jumped streams - good old fashioned pursuits are the best!

And last but not least, the roadworks that were due to start outside our house on Monday, still haven't - 1 more week of respite!   I told you they could be small things!

#Silent Sunday

Blogging or Boggling?

I have only just noticed that the word blogging is also an anagram of boggling.  I started my blog last week and in these first 10 days I have spent more time boggling my mind than actually blogging on my PC!

I spent 2 hours earlier in the week trying to figure out how to change my blog name  (reasons for the name change here). I was anxious not to lose any of  my 10 followers (may sound feeble to some of you but hey, I was chuffed to reach double figures!) and couldn't work out if I was likely to lose my email subscribers. There I was, the technophobe, looking at feedburner forums and all sorts....before this week I had never even heard of feedburner!

I am pleased to say that with the help of Kate@katetakes5,I achieved it....I think? However my laundry basket is now overflowing, my husband and children have eaten junk food most of the week and my son has definitely had way more 'screen time' than he should have!


My head is a whirlwind of new concepts.  First there are the various sites I can join as a blogger - Tots 100, Netmums, Mumsnet, Britmums, Loveallblogs and I  imagine several more yet to be discovered.  Next there is the blogger's jargon - memes, link-ups (or is it linkies?!), blogs with #tags attached, oh my word! Then there are the Stats - oh dear, I think this could either get addictive or depressing. Finally, and probably the most confusing for untechie numpties like me, there are the 'things' characterised by letters - html, RSS, CSS, URL.  I call them 'things' because I don't really know what they are! 

Right now I am wondering if I will EVER get to grips with this. One blogger who does need a mention is Karis.  I stumbled across her blog last night and she has an excellent list of helpful hints.  However, because I am such a novice, I cannot now find her blog.....help Karis, where are you?! 

In all of this, what have I learnt?  That I need to slow down the pace, try not to run before I can walk. I need to continually remember that I started blogging because I love to write and enjoying making people smile (thanks to michelle@mummyfromtheheart for bringing this one up) and lastly I need to cut myself some slack, not stress myself out or I am in danger of brain overload.  The fact that I am an 'all or nothing' kind of girl, makes this one tricky for me.

So, what are my goals for the next few days?

1. Enjoy making new blogger friends while reading some fab and interesting posts 
2. Work out how to put a pretty picture on my header
3. Figure out how to install the photos taken with my newly acquired instagram app, onto my blog page

Any help gratefully received!

What's in a Name?

So you may or may not have noticed that I have changed the name of my blog......I naively went into this thinking (or not really thinking actually!), that any name would do.  Unbeknown to me, there are about 30,000 bloggers out there, a high percentage being parents, and someone already has the same name as me!

Wow, have you ever tried to think of a title under pressure?  Every name I thought of I tapped into google and found out someone else already has it....grrr!

After much deliberation, alright a little bit.....I have plumped for '3 children and it'.  It kind of speaks for itself - the 3 children obviously refers to my brood and the 'it' refers to our rather crazy but loveable pooch, who will most likely feature quite regularly in this blog. I hope you manage to stick with me and I don't lose you in cyberspace now that my name has changed!

Confession

Confession: I actually enjoy cleaning.

BUT......only when it remains clean and tidy for longer than it took me to actually do it.  I don't know about you but I get most disheartened when within 5 minutes of my children returning from school (shoes, bags, coats and all other paraphernalia casually abandoned), it looks like no-one has touched it EVER!

I recently came across this quote by American Comedienne, Phyllis Diller: "Cleaning the house while your kids are still growing, is like shoveling the sidewalk when it's still snowing". I love it! Cleaning can sometimes be a thankless task, no-one noticing you've done it and to be honest, no-one really caring all that much either.

So the idea of not bothering is very appealing but those of you who know me well, will be familiar with my Monica tendencies! And what about when visitors are coming...eek!  Christmas time is a prime example.  If it wasn't stressful enough with all the present-buying and cooking involved, we feel under pressure to have a spick and span house as well. This year as I took 5 minutes out to read a magazine, I came across an article which claimed to ensure a presentable home in 60 minutes - worth a shot eh?!  So here are the top tips:

• get 1 laundry basket and go into every room in the house, collecting any items that should not be there. Pay no attention to what is going in the basket at this point, it can be redistributed later.  Put basket into a bedroom, close the door
• put all dirty washing in the laundry bin
• take 1 bin bag and go round the rooms again, putting all rubbish in the bin
• go round the entire house collecting any dirty dishes, glasses, mugs etc put in the dishwasher and turn it on so that it's ready before guests arrive
• dust all flat services in the living room including TV, stereo and shelves
• wipe down worktops, clean kitchen sink and add a vase of flowers to the kitchen table
• clean bath, sink, toilet and mirror of the bathroom your guests will use
• sweep hard floors
• vacuum all carpeted areas

And that's it.....it worked for me!  It may not be the cleanest house after 60 minutes but it's certainly presentable.  Any more tried and tested tips would be gratefully received.....