I actually wrote this post 2 months ago, but for some reason I stuck it in the 'drafts' folder. This evening I read a post written by Kate at Wit Wit Woo and felt prompted to go back to mine. So this is a declaration to try harder. A promise to my kids, that somehow once put into print is harder to go back on. So here goes.....
I probably use the word 'no' more times in a day than I care to mention. If you were a fly on the wall in our house, you would regularly hear conversations like this:
DS1: "Can we go to the park after school Mummy?"
Me: "No not today, it looks like rain and I've got to get the dinner on"
DD1 "Can we make pancakes for breakfast?"
Me: "No not today, the cereal is laid out and I'm not sure if we've got the ingredients anyway "
DD2 "Can we have a bible story tonight before bed?"
Me: "Not tonight sweetheart, I'm tired, I think we'll just say a quick prayer"
Most of the time I don't even give the notion a second thought. The word 'no' just trips off the tongue so readily. What's really going on in my head? Usually it's one of three things:
a) the thought of the big mess involved and that I know who will be clearing it up
b) I am tired, it's been a long day and the sofa/chilled glass of wine is calling me
c) this wasn't what I had planned (I am not good with spontaneity, it just goes against my natural instinct!)
They say our children learn from their parents - DD2's first word was 'NO' for goodness sake!
I slowly came to the realisation that our negative response as parents, can actually have a detrimental affect on our child's behaviour. It makes perfect sense that the words they hear or the attitude they are continually exposed to, will eventually have a knock on effect. Obviously there are occasions when a 'yes' would not be appropriate eg your 3 year old asks to walk to the shop on her own or it's snowing and your son comes down in shorts and a t-shirt (although I know a Mum who has been known to go to these lengths when she is just plain fed up of arguing with her 3 year old!). However what about stopping before we revert to that default answer of 'no' and considering an alternative response? If asked "can we stay up a bit late to watch a film together?" or "can we stay in our pyjamas all day today?" Stop and ask yourself - why not?
I know it's a well-worn cliche, but Life really is too short. Would we rather our children remembered us for the times we quashed their fanciful ideas, or the times we managed to find our often too well-hidden fun side and let our hair down? I don't know about you but I'm going to try to stop and think before I say 'No' . It's never too late to start living.....
My children & I have near identical conversations everyday so you're not alone. This doesn't make it right of course & I'm going to try really hard to say 'yes' a little more often.
ReplyDeleteEsther x
To be honest I am so bad at this but I want to have this in mind for the future....no to a bible story?! Good luck Esther :)
DeleteOh heck! - Your first two scenarios are played out in this house almost word for word on many ocassions. The other most common would be 'can we play a game' and my answer 'no, I've got to finish my work before I cook the dinner'. You may just have added another stick for me to beat myself with :( but I know you're right. PS - we do manage the 'stay in your pjs all day sometimes. In fact my daughter has walked round to my Mum's in her nightie, because we couldn't really see why she shouldn't when she made the request, so maybe I'm not all bad :)
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say that we have NEVER stayed in our pjs all day! Maybe we will start. I didn't mean to make it another guilt trip, just something to consider. I am not very good at letting my hair down or having fun, must try harder!
DeleteYou make a very good point, it's definitely something I want to keep in mind as my son grows older. His first word was also 'No', which did make me wonder just how many times I must have said that word to him.
ReplyDeleteObviously when they're little, 'no' is a word that we have to use a lot of, if only to keep them from danger. However now mine are bigger, I'm almost bored of hearing myself saying it, imagine how they must feel! Thanks for commenting :)
DeleteI've put the brakes on so many times to stop myself automatically saying 'no'. Just say 'yes' and you never know what might happen! After all you want to create memories for both you and your kids x
ReplyDeleteExactly, good memories preferably! Thanks for commenting.
DeleteVery interesting post. I once had a conversation with a friend who had been feeling exactly the same way - and so took steps to modify the default to yes. His children were late primary school age and he said it worked very effectively. When he did say No, they knew he meant it.
ReplyDeleteOnly yesterday my son asked for a piece of meringue he saw in the cupboard whilst I was cooking his tea. My first instinct No. But instead, I said, ok, just a tiny weeny bit as you're going to have your tea soon. A smidging of the thing and he wandered away happy. If I'd said no, possibly we'd have hit meltdown central. (Have since hidden them from view but you get my point.) Sorry to waffle on. Great points and food for thought - as always. x
I'm still working on it, if I'm honest. I think we get in habits and they're often very hard to break. Interesting that you tried it and now you feel liberated! Thanks for commenting :)
DeleteAt 9.15 on a sat evening I am thinking yes I am going to be a yes mummy. Lets see if I can go through with it at 3.30 on Monday when it looks as though it is about to rain and the boys want to go to the park....
ReplyDeleteHa ha! Not always that easy....especially when "no" comes so naturally!
DeleteA very good point - I could definitely do with taking this on board! I have been trying to be a bit more positive later, but maybe I should try even harder! We might have a happier family then :)
ReplyDeleteWell when I linked this up, I reminded myself of these sentiments.....so easy to say "no" all the time. Must.Try.Harder!
DeleteI do try sooooo hard to stop with the "nos" - but its so hard when you are tired to think of something positive to say! However, since I have been trying, I have noticed a massive difference in the kids, so am I keeping at it!
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Obviously sometimes it's harder than others....
Deletewow - great post! I always think of the mess and clearing up too when the kids are in their pj's ready for bed and then plead to do something like playdoh or (worse still!) painting! But it does feel good to be able to say yes - This is something I am going to remember this week! Thank you! x
ReplyDeleteGood. Let me know how you get on....linking up this week has reminded me to go back to this again!
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